Annoyed

Well, I just finished my violin lesson and my teacher was trying to get me to sing out the scoresheet and I was close to tears.

To normal people, they would find me crazy and weird that I would get so intimidated to sing out loud, well, doesn’t everyone sing out loud?

Yes, I sing out loud at home and when with my close friend of 8 years, but in front of other people? You might as well kill me.

I did sing a few bars, but couldn’t continue any more after my teacher was asking me to sing louder as she mentioned it was good for the ears.

One problem could have been the excessive amount of phlegm in my throat due to my recent sickness that has yet to subside, but thats not why I felt so much like crying in a cave.

On the way home I thought about it. I’ve never been an expressive person to strangers or even if i knew a friend for 3 years. I’ve never let people’s expectations of me fall because I’ve been living with expectations all my life. I am a perfectionist even if everyone can’t see it. Even voicing my opinion is hard, so how could I sing out loud?

I don’t think I have an unpleasant voice, actually many have praised it (if they ever heard me sing) that it was quite okay. Maybe it was because I felt that my voice never mattered in this endlessly chattering world where the loudest voice gets the best ‘votes’. During my FYP, I was publicly shamed in front of my group by my Director for not speaking up, for being quiet. In my clique I was annoying because I didn’t reply whatsapp messages when I felt my messages had no point. During a karaoke session in secondary 2 when an acquaintance mentioned when me and another friend were singing that we were off tune and pitchy (Even though her voice isn’t nice to listen to 😐 )

So if you asked me what took away my voice, I might be funny and say Ursula, but its not her. The monsters are the people who acted like friends yet hurt you with every word and blamed you for being distant later on.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking all this and that next week I will have the confidence to sing out loud (please pray for me). At least I’m heading down to the newly re-opened Tampines library later on which will definitely make me feel better.

Have you guys ever experience this? Would you like to hear more of my life experiences or life posts? Let me know in the comments below!

 

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