So yesterday night I was having one of those ‘2am thoughts’ moments and was sobbing myself to sleep, I suddenly missed all those toxic people in my life that I had already cut off.
I took my anger and sadness out on twitter, venting on how people think its easy for the INFJ to door slam, thinking we no longer feel a thing. Thinking that we could do it so easily because we were used to locking people out of our lives and seeking solace in loneliness.
This was what I tweeted
Someone actually replied me, mentioning that “It was the hardest thing we ever had to do, but when we’re pushed so far, we no longer have a choice.”
And I replied ” I totally agree, we do the door slam as a last resort and in the process, a fraction of us dies.” And I didn’t realise how true it was till it was said out loud.
Yes, people may have found our door slam rude and uncalled for, and even childish, but its our way of rebelling against the world that has decided to silence our words and emotions. The door slam is the last way we communicate with that toxic person to let them know that they have hurt us enough, and this slam is where we draw the line. To us, we will treat you as though you’re dead, but it doesn’t change the fact that we will still miss you and still care for you even though you hurt us so deeply.
We have to close these doors which reek of toxic because there’s no other choice but to protect ourselves before the toxic kills us from within.
So, I decided to check out the person who was replying to my tweets and realised that the person was having quite a shitty day too, and offered her a virtual hug.
Do you see how decayed this world is? Until the fact that we find more solace and comfort in the words of random strangers then the ones around us?
When we’ve been screaming so much that our throats have run hoarse and we can’t keep screaming while drowning in water because nobody actually hears us? They don’t see the tears we cry at night, but the masks we wear to prove to the world that we can fit in with society.
But the thing is, we were never born to fit in. Each of our purpose is not going to be the same as the other person beside us, so there’s no point trying so hard to fit in because we never will. But for INFJs, we always seem to NEVER fit in, no matter where we go. Thats why we seek solace in things that will hopefully be eternal like nature, music, knowledge, etc..
I remember praying to God and asking him to quickly let me meet my soul mate, even if its the wrong time, but instead, he sent me to another person who was suffering just like me. Maybe its God’s way of telling me I don’t have a soul mate, maybe it’s his way of telling me to be patient and focus on more healing first.
We never really figure out God’s intentions with us immediately, but in due time, we figured out why things happened like that 2 years ago after another 2 years, but in that process, we learn something that makes us wiser and stronger.
So for everyone who’s fighting their crazy battles, keep hanging on, you’re never alone, even if you feel you are.
And for those who think they are broken, you’re not. You don’t need fixing. You are just different, and different is good.