Well, I awoke to another horrible nightmare & I’ve been having them for 3 days straight (I heard that having anxiety contributes to this). In short, it was a weird nightmare about some people from my past and there was an infection going around that turned humans into cannibals & we were all trapped in the last building that was safe and the infected infiltrated the building. (Yes, I have these types of dreams VERY often) So I awoke with a sidetracked mind.
Not to mention, I was dreading the family dinner this evening since my relatives would definitely ask questions about work and relationships (both that I do not have), but work is definitely more of my mental health not being okay. (And this is difficult to even explain since in Asian families, they do not even think about it and categorise mental illness as being ‘crazy’.) And since both my cousins are furthering their education, I always feel that it’s unfair, because I wasn’t given that chance to and the only choice was to get a private education, but it required for me to work (which my mental health really can’t cope with right now) and my parents would never allow me to study overseas unlike my cousin.
So my violin class went as usual, but I was off-key (by half a tone) and didn’t meet the requirement made by my teacher to play the song smoothly, I usually get really affected and beat myself up about it, but having consecutive nightmares made me really tired and fearful, since the nightmares have always been vivid.
The rest of the day went about as a rush as I couldn’t complete a book in time and was fearful to start Lord of Shadows (because Lady Midnight broke me) and I was daunted by the sheer number of pages & the size of the book.
So the dinner finally came around and I managed to conceal my tiredness with lipstick & concealer, finally feeling better about myself after a recent bad acne outbreak on my face (again). I mainly just focused on eating and avoided any questions.
It actually didn’t go too badly, it actually went better than I expected. I was glad that one of my aunts remembered I was vegetarian while the other remembered that I book blogged (she also mouthed to ask me whether I had a job and I shook my head, but I was glad she didn’t ask it aloud). The 2nd aunt and I even had a little conversation about what I do for my book blog (which I was glad to talk about), but I wasn’t able to talk about my writing since I don’t anyone even knows I like writing? (which surprises me a ton LOL, I mean books and writing are the only things I talk about!)
I was dreading family dinners a lot since the previous year, the same 2nd aunt asked me about my relationship and I mentioned my ex (which I NEVER talked about in front of my family, even during and after the relationship, because my family was kinda like that, we just didn’t share things like that with each other. I also knew my parents were disappointed that I never really told them and they found out through other means. But I also had no idea how to tell them, and when they found out, my mum made it such a big deal that she told it to my teacher (in secondary school) who talked to me and her words were literally for me to break up with him to focus on my studies? Let’s just say in the end, I was the one who was victorious though, I might talk about this in another storytime post!) Also, they only consoled me when I was crying over the breakup, but had no idea what the relationship was like, and they didn’t seem to care either. And after that, the whole thing was NEVER talked about again, that’s why I always talk about Fish (that’s what I call him now) to my best friend, since she kinda knew him too.
Yup, so sappy stories aside (I’m tired AF, but wanted to write this post to get things off my chest).
Here are my 2019 Resolutions!
- Edit first draft of Lunar Eclipse & Siren Song, Beneath the mask, Prominence and upload to Swoon Reads/ query/ self-publish (I’ve actually finally done my first re-read for Siren Song and will get back to editing the story once the new year starts!)
- Get to violin unofficial ‘grade 5’ (Currently at 4, but my progress seems really slow)
- Get 600 followers on the blog (Currently at 430+! Hoping to grow a lot more!)
- 700 followers on Twitter & Instagram (Both at 600+ followers right now! I’m actually thinking about starting BookTube too! But I’m terribly afraid of looking into the camera, unless I’m not wearing my spectacles.)
- Reading Goal: 100 books (in 2018 it was 60 books and honestly, I knocked it out of the park with 390 books)
What are you 2019 goals and how are you celebrating the last days of 2018? Let me know in the comments down below!