So I grew up as a middle child in my family, yet I’m expected to always act like the responsible adult.
So a little more information, I’m currently attempting to write my novel and just trying to work on bookish things, my older sister is staying at home and scrolling through fan-fiction without doing anything else while my younger brother is currently studying, but only knows how to criticise others without looking at himself in the mirror.
My sister quit her job about 6 months ago, but after she graduated after getting her diploma she’s been staying at home and rinsing and repeating the same things, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Wake up- wash up- read fan fiction – play facebook games – eat lunch – read fan fiction – play facebook games – bathe – eat dinner – read fan fiction – play facebook games – sleep
Everything is done at the same time on each day and thats all she does. As the oldest child, she should be the one carrying the responsibility of working and getting a career first.
I’ve been home for like 5 months and my parents have been nagging for me to go and work and I’ve been working on reading and maintaining my book blog and bookstagram. Can you imagine how annoyed and angry I am when my parents keep on telling ME to find a job? Its not that I don’t want to. I’m afraid, I’m depressed, I’m having anxiety. I don’t know what I want to do, so what am I supposed to do?
The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent, I think that its better off that I kill myself than live in this continuously decaying world. I accidentally cut myself with a penknife and you know what? I liked the blood that bled out.
With so much hate and war waging on, is the world really worth it anymore?
Yet, I keep thinking that I’m the worst kind of monster with the scariest types of demons.
My younger brother is currently studying his diploma and keeps criticising that we’re staying at home, but he hasn’t worked a day in his life.
Me on the other hand, I’ve done plenty of part time jobs when I was younger, but I’m trying to transition into adulthood while trying not to die, seems like a pretty unfair trade right?
He likes to go out there and do everything before time runs out, but in that sense, he burdens everyone else around him without even considering their feelings.
Was it my fault that I was born an INFJ that simply felt too much in this horrid world? An empath trapped in between heaven and hell, which clearly seems more like hell now than ever.
I never get the real support I needed, yet they deserved everything else?
If I could watch this world burn, I would, but some part of me knows that it can still be saved somehow, but 99% of the world doesn’t seem to be interested in saving the world. Even if the 1% were the president of every country, that wouldn’t be enough to save the world.
Comparing world hunger and sanitation issues with my own is like comparing cheap meat with premium meat (I don’t enjoy meat though, just an analogy), but it doesn’t make my own issues seem less significant.
Comparison is never good, believe me.
Okay, I think I strayed too far away with the topic, but I’m just trying to get the anger out of me. I don’t have many friends, I only have one. I have a lot of suppressed emotions, trust me. Its just been really difficult. Life, that is.
Today, someone who really helped me with the whole ‘new kid’ situation while doing bookstagram contacted me and we chatted for a little while, not even really deep, just talking about writing and insecurities of an aspiring author, and those little messages brought me REALLY close to tears.
Well, this post was really just for me to vent my anger out, I’m sorry if you read this and felt that I’ve wasted your time 😦
Well, I’ll end with a quote I read from somewhere, I really can’t remember where, but it goes something like this:
” The real good people in life are the ones who can see their demons and think they’re bad”