Anxiety and how it kills.

People who don’t understand anxiety will never understand how it’s like.

Having grown up in an asian family and country, speaking or even mentioning about mental illness is like calling upon Satan and inviting him into your house.

And yet people think that everyone with mental illness is crazy and is immediately stigmatised within the society. People tell us umpteen times that it’s all in our heads and we should get over it.

At the same time, society and parents place unrealistic expectations onto us and expect us to fulfil them.

They don’t see how much our hands shake when in public or when you’re having an attack. They don’t know how fast your heart races and how your thoughts spiral out of control. Like a hurricane that blows and shakes up your entire mental and physical state and then leaves you alone to clean up the mess every single time.

People don’t understand that mental illness is not being crazy nor is it not being good enough for society, it’s a burden we have to carry around everyday, it’s an ILLNESS. If it wasn’t, don’t you think it would have been named something different instead?

“Tell me you love me, I need someone on days like this I do.” – Tell me you love me, Demi Lovato.

This quote is so literal, everyone needs someone to tell them that they love them, that they deserve to survive and be here. For those with mental illness, we need to hear this everyday. And yet all we hear is that “It’s all in your head”, “Stop acting like it’s a big issue, you’re not dying” and only if a person resorts to suicide do people see how scary mental illnesses are.

There needs to be so much more awareness for this, people need to learn and most importantly, they need to understand how difficult it is.

It isn’t just feeling sad or lethargic on a monday morning when you need to return work. That’s something a good cup of joe or good music can heal within a few minutes.

It’s feeling that you’re not good enough for this world, that you don’t deserve to be here although you deserve every minute of your life. It’s waking up with tears in your eyes or falling asleep with tears streaming down your face, knowing that you’re not good enough for the people who’ve left you. It’s the painful sensation that causes you to grip your heart as though you’re having a heart attack and you’re dying and nobody’s listening. It’s like drowning in icy cold water and no matter how much you open your mouth to scream, it’s no use. No one is coming to save you.

It’s like having someone strangling you 24/7 and you can’t explain any of this. Like having someone punch you continuously in your gut and you get so breathless that you gasp for air, to no avail. It’s waking up everyday and having thoughts that you’re better off dead than alive, that everything would be easier if you were gone. It’s being so afraid and weary of everything that even the slightest noise plagues you for the rest of the day.

It’s waking up every fucking day of your life and feel that you want to change, but something is holding you back. You want to save yourself, but even yourself doesn’t want to be saved. Like being stuck in limbo and you can’t even help yourself because you’re so used to it, and you don’t know how else to help anymore.

I grew up being very considerate of other people, I was always afraid to offend them and was constantly walking on eggshells around people and never trusted anyone. They always end up disappointing me in the end, anyway. Even with my family I walk on eggshells. I never got the attention I needed and that always made me bitter towards my siblings because I knew that this girl inside could change the world, but she was never given the proper tools to.

So how can I find the strength to tell my parents about my suspicions of having anxiety when I’ve been expected to be the elder sibling and to be okay all the time? Having to set the good example for my younger brother, to do everything to utmost perfection, any less than that is not forgivable? How do you tell someone that you’re not okay, after you’ve been pretending to be okay all your life?

I see all my peers getting jobs and assimilating into society so easily and I yearn for that too, but it’s so difficult. Every time I convince myself that I can do it too, the next minute I’m jumping under my blanket and hiding from the world. I ended finding my solace in books and don’t ever want to leave. I’m always telling myself I’m not good enough for this and that company and just end up not doing anything again. I’ve tried so many times to break this cycle, and it just keeps on going round and round.

I know that I need to change and I need help in order for that to happen. Just anything that can stop this pain, this feeling. But what if the people around me are the ones not offering a helping hand? They’re so skeptical and don’t understand why I can’t be like the rest of the young adults and go out to get a job.

They don’t understand how amplified the anxiety is.

I keep telling myself it’s okay, lying to myself, because I know it’s there, but I don’t want to get shunned by society either. It’s not a crime to have a mental illness.

But I think it should be a crime not to understand it.

The Government claims that they want to help, but have they really? If they did help, then why are people with mental illness not able to openly tell others about it? Why can’t they be the treated the same way as everyone else?

They don’t understand that it’s science. Nobody chooses to have mental illness and nobody would want to. Maybe we’re just the unlucky ones.

My anxiety attacks started when I was 12, and now I’m 21 (this year will be 22) and it’s been 9-10 years ever since that attack and I still get those attacks every once in a while. Yet people have told me that it’s in my head, you’re just nervous, you’re just sad.

It’s nothing of importance.

I’ve even been gaslighted by people who have mental illness, the very same one I’m accusing myself of. I thought we were supposed to band together and help each other, I guess I was wrong.

I feel that mental illness fees should be free, and yet it’s one of the most expensive. We didn’t choose the illness, it chose us.

I find my solace between the lines of the words I read and write.

Urgh, it just sucks. I try to be strong, but maybe I’m not as strong as I thought.

I sometimes wish that the Government would be like the books, they should just place us into a job once we’re done studying, I think that would definitely help those with mental illness. If you don’t like the job, then you can switch, or something like that, you know. Or those with mental illness should, argh, I just don’t know, people should do something about it.

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Chinese New Year 2018 Post Pt. 2

Hello my friends, I wanted to do another post to talk about current things and how my family is prepping for Chinese New year (CNY)!

So for the past 2 weeks I’ve been out almost everyday, shopping for Chinese New Year goodies and clothes! My family has also stocked up on frozen foods and the fridge is brimming with ice!

So I’ve gotten all the clothes I need for Chinese New Year (And actually bought more clothes than I needed, but oh well 😂). I got my pink skirt, music dress, galaxy necklace and ring (has not come yet) from my online shopping spree. (The images are in my first post linked here.)

And for the new additions (I will take photos of them on the Chinese New Year day itself), I got a black bag pack, a pair of sport shoes, black heels and a flowery blouse from H&M! Also, I got 2 earrings and 1 ring.

 

This week, we also celebrated my brother’s birthday on the 7th February!

 

While we were shopping for goodies, we wanted to buy pineapple tarts; a staple for CNY goodies, but the prices for the goodies were insane, mostly going for $15 a container for pineapple tarts. So I told my mum I would bake them for her instead. I’ve baked them once before, but was unable to use the mould properly and ended up making cubed shaped tarts.

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This year, I actually managed to get a hang of using the cookie cutter and I MANAGED TO MAKE THE PINEAPPLE TARTS LOOK LIKE IT WAS BOUGHT FROM THE STORE! (Sorry for the caps, I was really excited)

 

  • Here was the first batch of Pineapple tarts, and since I wasn’t too sure, I left them to bake for 20 minutes and left them in the oven to cool after that. They came out pretty burnt and the pineapple part was kind of hard.

So after adjustments, here is the final batch and how it looks!

  • Yes, they definitely look more like this! the crust is pale or lightly browned and the pineapple is still soft to the touch!

Also, my mum had a ton of old red packets that she wasn’t intending to use, so I helped her with the creation of decorations using the red packets. I made hearts and goldfish and a lantern thingy.

 

And finally, I would like to tell you guys my coordinated outfits for the new year!

For the first day, I hope to wear my music dress, galaxy necklace, black heels and Eiffel tower earrings.

For the CNY dinner event, I’m hoping to wear my pink skirt with my white lace blouse and dusty pink earrings.

And finally when visiting my dad’s friend’s house, I hope to wear the flowery blouse with black jeans probably heels.

 

The last post will be after CNY is over!

 

I will always be another kid in the crowd

Well, so my family went out for lunch to celebrate my brother’s birthday (In advance) and after that we went to shop for some Chinese New Year clothes. And my mum was invited to a house warming party and it didn’t sit right with me to let her go alone so I accompanied her.

As an INFJ, I love connections with people but also detest people at the same time (I know, it doesn’t make sense). And I sometimes question myself as to why I would agree to go to a party in the first place if it’s going to end up draining all my energy.

So I followed my mum and the first thing the children asked me was “Are you in secondary school?”

I’m 21 but I have a baby face and probably look 16 or younger to anyone else so, yes, I always get that question a lot and it annoys the heck out of me.

I was stumped at the question so my mum said yes (But I’m a diploma graduate already) and the children suddenly seemed so excited and even looked up to me.

I definitely didn’t want to lie to the kids, but I also didn’t feel the need to rectify the statement so I just went along with it. The eldest daughter seemed to find me cool 😂 (Trust me, I’m the least cool person I know, even at their age I was an oddball) and she immediately grew attached to me, dragging me around the house and feeding me.

My mum was talking to her friends so I was left to sit on the couch and spend an eternity on my own while whipping out my phone to tweet and try to hold in my social anxiety. The girl endlessly questioning me and she asked me whether I could draw. (I graduated from a Design diploma and I couldn’t tell her that, so I said yea) and I drew for her an anime-styled girl (If you see my insta stories you can see my drawing style- I don’t think it’s nice though) and she was so impressed.

It cool that even though you feel your work is imperfect yet to the eyes of a kid it’s awesome.

While drawing for her, my anxiety flew into full blast and I was gripping the pen pretty hard to conceal that my hand was shaking and I had difficulty breathing. Not to mention all around me were guys (I can’t talk to guys or even make eye contact with them) so I was literally depending on my phone as my lifeline. Thankfully one of the guys ended up talking to the little girl and I was left to my own devices and ended up watching the TV.

Superheroes are real, even if they are just in the movies. Because today, Thor saved me from my anxiety (And so did Karate Kid).

After that the kids wanted to play with my phone and my phone ended up in their hands even before I could say anything else. I told my mum and she told their mum so they got scolded and they ended up staying away from me after that.

(If I ever got married, I probably would have been the mum that spoils their kid 🙃)

I was definitely emotionally drained by the kids although their innocence was really refreshing.

Guess what, this isn’t a rant post at all 😂 I just felt the need to tell this weird story to people.

I heard it’s an INFJ thing that kids and pets adore INFJs, I disagree some times though, but I don’t know.

But taking a cab at night reminds me of fond memories when I thought that ‘he’ was the one but that wasn’t true so. I guess it’s a bittersweet memory? And it was toxic anyway, so forget all that shit. I forgive him but I won’t forget the damage done, so there.

Well, I shall just end here (I don’t think anyone is reading this here anyway), bye!

Expecting a caterpillar to sprout wings and fly away like a butterfly

How can you expect someone to be an adult and yet at the same time you never treat them like one?

 Did you know a caterpillar literally kills itself before it turns into a butterfly?

Well, I’ve graduated from my diploma like 8 months ago and since then, I’ve not had a full time job yet. I know, I know, I’m supposed to find a job, earn money, support the family, as what society wants.

But what society doesn’t know is how anxiety makes everything 1 billon times scarier than it is. I think who don’t believe in mental illness will never understand how scary anxiety is.

Well, the past 8 months I was actually working on my blog, reading, writing a novel and literally trying to convince myself that life is worth living.

Of course all my friends have jobs or are studying at university, have a social life and all. But I don’t need that, I want those things, but do I need it?

Did you know that humans are the only creatures that work? When we actually don’t have to? Society has instilled that idea into our heads that do.

I mean it’s also difficult when my parent’s don’t understand why I can’t get a job. It’s not that I haven’t tried. I have tried many many times. It’s definitely scary when trying to get your first job. The anxiety is bone crushing and you literally feel like dying. I don’t even know how to do a proper job resume (because my course only taught me one for design) and I need one for a NORMAL job.

Okay, so now to the story that got me angry:

As a middle child, I never really acted like a middle child, I always acted as the older sibling (because someone is clearing lacking in that area) and my other siblings always got my parent’s attention and I’m clearly not good enough for them.

So today a letter from the government came, telling me that it’s almost the start of paying off my student loans from my parent’s account that I have borrowed for my diploma studies, which came up to a sum of around 6k. (Wow, that’s a lot lol)

So I filled up the form to mail back to them and wanted to keep the other letter that had all the information (It’s my money after all, right? And I need to know how much I need to pay, so I should keep it, right?)

But my mom refused to let me keep it and she say she will photocopy it and give me the photocopied version to keep.

So how can you expect me to go out, find a job, earn money, deal with my anxiety and yet every single time you treat me like a child? I’m not even allowed to keep my own Identification card and bank card by myself.

What message are you sending to me?

That I’m not responsible? I’ve never lost anything in my life. That I’m not adult enough? I’m 21 years old and TRYING to get a job. Trying to find my place in this world and everything you hold back against me is telling me that I’m not worth it.

If I ever have kids in the future, I will NEVER EVER be like them. NEVER

What do you guys think? Any tips on landing my first full time job while overcoming anxiety?

 

It’s okay not to be over it.

Well, I had a horrible start to the new year’s since I ended up crying in my bed in the middle of the night while remembering toxic people and emotions while lip-syncing to music in the darkness (It’s surprisingly therapeutic).

My ex had a habbit of texting me every year although we’ve broken up, and this year was actually no different. He didn’t text me for Christmas, but he did for the new year.

I guess when things become a habbit, you end up disappointed when you don’t receive it. It’s okay not to be over it. After all, you gave a part of yourself to a person you trusted. A part of you that you would never share to the rest of the world and sometimes that person crushes that part and leaves.

When he messaged me, his profile definitely showed that he had a new girlfriend. I didn’t bother to reply his messages or the photo since I’ve already made up my mind about slamming the INFJ door. (And probably his girlfriend wouldn’t like him texting me anyway.)

It hurts to know that someone who supposedly said that they ‘loved’ you, had moved on. I know it’s difficult. And it’s definitely okay to cry about it too.

My relationship with him lasted for 2 years, but actually, it was doomed from the start. What he liked was the facade that I put on in secondary school, the extroverted, extremely kind and helpful girl. He loved the light rain. But he didn’t know I was a storm.

He couldn’t take the storm. Or the lightning, thunder and darkness that it held.

Although I always seemed like I had my act together in front of people, I’m always just crumbling inside. Part of being an INFJ I guess. He was just as broken as I was, maybe even more, and he came to me to try to fix himself.

But who was I to fix him, when I couldn’t fix myself?

Maybe I did fix him, but in the end, I ended up hurting myself even more. As a person, I always gave more than I received, I was always on the giving end, and maybe that brought my own demise.

My anxiety definitely reached it peak along with my depression, and having someone that gaslighted me and didn’t support me definitely didn’t help.

After everything, I knew that his ‘I love yous’ were never love at all. I was more of a trophy girlfriend. The type you could show off to everyone and everyone would be jealous. But our relationship was so shallow like the tip of the iceberg.

But nonetheless, I showed a part of myself that I never knew I had. I never knew the lengths I would go to for a person I loved until I actually went through this toxic relationship.

The more disturbing thing was that, he was the one who ended it, but still wanted to ‘be friends’ AFTER HE JUST DUMPED ME. He still came back a 2 years later to tell me he had feelings for me and suddenly he moved on? Your idea of love is a lie.

I realised that although you may be hurting, the world still moves on. And what made him so impactful was because he was using the part of me I showed to him against myself.

In the end, the real enemy was myself all along. And being surprisingly mentally strong, my enemy was on the same level.

Another thing that actually broke it off, was religion. In my country, religion is kinda a big issue between relationships. My ex was a taoist while I was a Catholic. Actually I’m a Christian, since I know more about Christianity rather than my birth religion.

Even Catholics and Christianity have conflicts, take my cousin for example. She and a boy are getting close, she’s Catholic and he’s a Christian. And my aunt and uncles were making a big fuss that they wanted them to break up even though they were just friends.

It’s pretty scary to see how religion divides us. I mean, as long as there is love, isn’t that the most important?

If they’re not meant to be, then let them break up and she will learn from it. God always has a purpose. Why does anyone else’s opinion matter? It’s her life anyway.

 

Anyway, something more unrelated.

In 2017, my dreams have been pretty weird. I’ve been having a lot of apocalyptic dreams, and they felt really real too, but the more important thing is that there was always an unknown guy who is beside me, to protect me. After waking up from crying yesterday night, in my dream, that mysterious guy was actually comforting me and I could remember his warmth from where he held my hand. ISN’T THAT REALLY WEIRD? Am I the only one who gets these types of dreams?

Is it possible to like someone you’ve never met or met in your dreams?