Born a middle child, raised as the oldest

I read an article about how the birth order of children affects their personality/growth later on over here. (It was really insightful by the way!)

So I was born as the middle child in my family, and when I was younger, I definitely had middle child syndrome.

I always tried harder to compete for attention. Anything my sister could do, I would do it better, but I never got more praises or compliments, I always had less.

A middle child is the creative one, the one who isn’t afraid to take risks and be independent. Well although I am the creative one in a family of science and business diploma people, it has not helped in allowing me to blend in.

I grew up being really resentful of my sister, and I still am.

Although I grew up as a middle child, my responsibilities were of the firstborn instead.

I’ve read that the middle child takes on the rebellious role and the role opposite of what the firstborn takes on.

Well, I’m sure everyone knows that the firstborn is supposed to be responsible and like the second parent to the other siblings, but that was never the case with my family.

My sister never had that responsibility, she was too selfish to even care what the rest of us were up to. She never bothered with us at all. I hated that she still got all the attention.

I proved to my parents time and time again that I was the responsible one, that I was the dependant one. So far, only my mother got the memo.

I am a rebel at heart, and always have been, but at the same time, I was raised with the qualities of a firstborn just without the same amount of attention. I was the one who continuously looked after my siblings and nagged at them.

It sucked when my parents only paid attention to my sister when she scratched herself, ONCE. When I’ve been complaining of my anxiety attacks for years, and they brushed it off, telling me that the rapid heartbeats and panicking was just all in my head.

I hated that asian families are so conservative towards mental illness and that any sign or declaration of it immediately makes you as evil as the Joker.

It sucked to never be appreciated for all the things I do in this house, and I’ve been pressured to follow the norms of the society.

I hated that my parents couldn’t understand anything and were too narrow-minded towards mental illness.

But maybe I learnt the hard way of how not to raise children, and I’ll never raise my own children (If I even find a guy to marry) the same way. I don’t want to pin my ideals on them, I want them to be able to find their own identities and not live having to think that I would expect a lot from them. I want my own children to be okay with the idea of mental illness and be more accepting of it.

Come to think of it, I was really a rebel. I always secretly disobeyed my parents, well, unintentionally. For example, dating, staying out late (Actually I was peer-pressured into that), changing religion. But I think all of that helped to shape me for the person I am today.

Hey, if they raised me and I turned out to be an INFJ, the rarest personality in the world, they must have done something extremely right, or something extremely wrong.

 

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A bunch of fragile flowers (Rant)

I knew of many people who only grew up with a mother, for me, I was fortunate to have both my parents while growing up, but the things my father does never really made me think of him as a father.

He never knows that correct things to say to me, he is too logical and Narrow minded.

It’s not that I’ve never put in the effort to find a job, I have.

As an INFJ, when I say I don’t like the atmosphere of a company and the people there, I mean it.

I mentioned it to him and he said “In life, you don’t get to choose who you work with.”

But since I’m given a choice, I would want to avoid those types of people at all possible costs, and I don’t think that’s wrong.

I hated that he has never been an emotional support for me, all he does in my life is literally pay the bills and supply money. In terms of emotional support, he has a negative impact.

He never supports anything I want to do, he brushes off my dreams and forces his own ideals and dreams onto me (He wanted to study a degree in business, well, technically anything that is business).

What he doesn’t understand is that my mind is of an artist, I absolutely HATE anything related to business. I love the arts and everything about the arts. I love music and reading, writing and blogging, creating and inventing things.

He doesn’t understand that a mind like this cannot be contained in a 9-5 workroom.

Ever since I discovered a love for writing at the age of 11/12, I never stopped dreaming to be an author. Just because you had to give up your dreams of not being able to study something, it doesn’t mean that you should force it on someone else.

My mother wanted me to take a science related course when I went for my diploma, but when I entered a Diploma in Digital Film and Television and she saw how much I really liked books, she understood, not really supported, but at least she understood that I had an artistic mind.

I only reason why I wanted to study a degree in English Literature was because I had the misconception that as an author you need to have a degree in something. Just because you want to be an author, you don’t need a degree in anything. You don’t even need an education (not saying that education is not important), I wanted to further my knowledge on literature in hopes of it helping my writing become better.

And now that I’ve actually written a first draft of my novel, I realise that you don’t need a degree to your name to make it in life. You don’t need a piece of paper like a degree or diploma to dictate whether you make it in life or not.

Always chase your dreams, no matter how scary it seems to be. No matter how loud the voices in your head tell you that you cannot do it. The more scared you are, the more you will learn.

Growing up in a family that has never supported what I did, I’ve learnt to depend on myself and God instead. You have to be your biggest supporter, because if you don’t support yourself, no one else will.

(And the weird thing is that both he and my mother are the same MBTI type; ESTJ- the executive)

I just wished that being an INFJ came with a manual.

Thanks for reading my rant! ❤

NaNoWriMo 2017 (Final update)

Although it was my first time actually taking part in NaNoWriMo, I’m so proud to finally say that I’m done with the first draft of my novel!

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My novel has 60k words (I wrote an extra 10k since I started with an extra 10k words) and am so proud of myself that I managed to do it!

The first three weeks were a struggle because I had problems with coming up with chapter ideas and getting the writing ball rolling.

But week 4 was the toughest week of all.

 

I was mainly sick throughout week 4, it started with a small throat infection and then it blew up into a stomach flu. I was vomiting for 3 days straight and couldn’t get anything into my system, even the medicine wasn’t being absorbed into my body. Also, it was the last few days and nearing the date of my Malaysia trip (Check out the post here). So I got an injection and the vomiting stopped.

But I was drowsy for days and trying to get my body back up and running and the throat infection returned again.

Although I had already hit the 50k word mark, I still really wanted to hit the 60k mark before validating my win. But since all the sickness arose at a very horrible timing, I decided to validate my win first and would get to work again once I’m better.

So I focused on my recovery and went for my trip. The next day when I got back, I definitely felt much better and got to work. But the day after that I was still having a sore throat and blocked nose (I still am having it now)

But I’m glad to say that I’m done! Like really really done, before November finishes!

Although it was a tiring journey, it was really full of experience and today when I was writing, I teared two times knowing that the story had come to an end.

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Thank you for all the support I’ve received from you guys over here, it was definitely really encouraging and kept me going!

Malaysia 2D1N trip experience

Hey guys, as I’ve mentioned, I would document the trip (I don’t have many photos) but will still love to tell you about my experience for this trip since I actually don’t get to travel too much. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy this post! (BTW, I managed to re-organise and my will be able to finish my NaNoWriMo story before November ends! Yay!)

So my family went along with our local RC centre for a 2 day 1 night trip to Malaysia (Bekok, Yong Peng, Malacca)

 

Day 1

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– This photo was taken when we were on the way, from Singapore to Malaysia

Our first stop was the breakfast area where we grabbed a quick bite before continuing the journey into Malaysia

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– Photo of Gelang Patah

  • Photo of a nearby alleyway that looked really pretty

 

  • Photos of when we were travelling along toward Bekok (So dystopian looking right?!)

 

We arrived at our next destination, Bekok. We were given a small tour of Bekok, visiting the old street, Homemade kuih and Mini Hakak Cultural Museum. (We were also supposed to visit a small farm, but because of the delay, we had to give it a miss)

  • Photos of artwork along the Old street of Bekok

After that, we did more travelling as we headed down to Malacca and we checked into our hotel in the evening.

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  • View of Malacca from our hotel

We wanted to head down to Jonker street, but heard that it would be packed at night and my family and I were extremely tired, so we decided to give it a miss.

 

Day 2

The next day, we headed for the Malacca historical tour (This was why I brought a book to Malaysia, yes, bubble wrapped and all! Because I wanted to get a good shot for my bookstagram! And the shot actually turned out really really nicely!)

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– Photo of Christ Church Melaka (I used this beautiful church as a background for my bookstagram)

  • Some photos while we were hiking up St. Paul’s hill

When we finally reached the top, the place was absolutely worth the climb!

  • Photos of the ruins of St. Paul’s hill

The slabs are like the ‘guardians’ of the fort since they were actually at the back of the fort before they were moved in front while it was renovating. The ruins used to be a fort for them to keep an eye on people or enemies, but also became a church. But many of the worshipers complained that it was too difficult to climb the hill all the way, thus they built the Christ Church nearer at the bottom which is now known as Dutch Square.

There was also a wishing well (The first picture with the metal cage) and the other photos are the interior of St. Paul hill’s ruins.

After that, we mainly stopped for lunch at a Nyonya restaurant and headed back to Singapore.

 

Unfortunately, we didn’t get to do much sight-seeing as we were travelling a lot instead. But this was one of the best Malaysia trips I’ve had since the tour guide; JJ was so awesome and the table-mates we had this time round were really nice too.

Our tour guide;JJ, was so informative (although he was speaking in Chinese, and I had to translate a lot of stuff), he was really captivating and he always kept eye contact while talking to us. He also kept us entertained during long bus rides with stories and even fables and myths surrounding the places we passed and the places we visited. He even treated us to Putu Piring and it was delicious! He was definitely the MVP throughout the trip!

Also, our table mates and this nice couple in front of us were really nice. During our hotel stay, they stayed opposite us and they even greeted me when they were leaving. On the bus ride home, we were the only ones who didn’t get to buy food since we all went to the toilet, and they had a lot of food and they shared with us so that we could help them finish their granola bar, pizza bread and Otah. And me and my brother were starving, so we were extremely thankful for the food.

Overall, the experience was pretty great, but I did wish that we had more time to sight-see!

I hope you enjoy my post!

Formally apologizing ( NaNoWriMo 3rd update)

Hey guys, I know that the good news was I hit 50k and wanted to write another 10k more, but I apologize that I won’t be able to do that.

Last week I battled with gastric flu and it has lasted for two weeks. It got worse this week. I was also battling a throat infection.

I have been throwing up my food ( anything that isn’t apples, banana and plain crackers) and it’s been absolutely torturous.

As we speak, I finally got a jab and the doctor changed my medicine. He has advised that I can still go for my Malaysia trip ( yay, thank God)

But personally for my NaNoWriMo, I feel so bad, but I will claim my win for now ( since I still did work very hard for it) but once I’m back from the trip and feeling better, I will personally follow up and continue writing my story to finish!

I’m sorry that so many unforeseen things have happened, and am thankful that many of you guys are so supportive of my first NaNoWriMo, I hope that I will do it again next year ( without the virus of course)

I also missed out on a lot of reading and I have to finish two ARCs by 4th dec 😢 I’ll try my absolute best

💪🏻💪🏻 Good luck to those who are very close to the finish line!

NaNoWriMo 2017 (2nd update)

Hello guys, I’ve finally hit the 50k word mark!

But since I started with 10k words, it won’t seem fair, so I will have another 4 more days of writing to hit 60k words before completing the novel!

Nanorimo word count

Total: 50, 320 words

(Chap 10:5,047)
13/11- 32,687 (+2,510)
14/11- 35,224 (+2,537)
(Chap 11:5,020)
15/11 – 37,736 (+2,512)
16/11 – 40,244 (+2,508)
(Chap 12: 5,019)
17/11 – 42,762 (+2,518)
18/11 -45,263 (+2,501)
(Chap 13: 5,057)
19/11 – 2,546
20/11 – 2,511

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The sucky thing was that last Tuesday I suffered from flu and gastric flu, by Thursday the gastric went down but I had stomach pains and flu. I thought that it was getting better.

Yesterday night I was coughing and lo and behold, when I woke up today, my throat felt scratchy and irritated. I hadn’t had a sore throat in a long time since usually I always get throat infections straight away. And this weekend is the Malaysia trip that I have been looking forward too. I’m so upset but oh well, will be heading to the doctor’s later on to get some medicine and I hope everything will be okay before this weekend.

Stay strong and finish NaNoWriMo!

You made me into the villain and yet you hated me for it.

So although I was really tired after eating strong painkillers for my period cramps (These painkillers made me really sleepy) , I still went out with my mum to help my brother purchase his bus concession ( like a monthly fee to use the bus)

And I saw the James Gordon funkopop that I’ve never seen anywhere else. And I really wanted it but didn’t have money.

Although I really wanted it, I held back and said it was okay to my mum. She offered to pay $10 while I paid the rest, but I didn’t have any cash on hand. What she did next annoyed the heck out of me. She went ‘pfft” and suggested that she buy it for me.

I know it’s kinda stupid to get annoyed at someone laughing, but the thing was, how could you laugh at your child when they tell you that they don’t have enough money although they really wanted to buy an item and they abstained from it?

What annoyed me was that if my siblings asked for it, she wouldn’t even have hesitated to buy it for them.

What’s the use of trying to buy it for me when the damage has already been done? After that, it just felt like pity money.

I was also already extremely annoyed with the dumb people while I was trying to get candles but on the other aisle, a ton of people were blocking the entire area to buy sunglasses. And people were dumb enough not to avoid someone with a trolley and still took their own sweet time to walk when they were clearly blocking the road.

You see, why INFJs get annoyed at people isn’t because we hate people. We just hate how shallow and inconsiderate they are.

Well, you may say I’m sensitive and have too much pride, but I was raised like this. I was raised as the middle child who was always taken for granted and always had to consistently fight for attention but never got anything in return.

The one who always gave too much and no one bothered to return it. The one who rather be misunderstood and take the blame rather than clearing the air.

So you made me a villain and you hated me for it. Fine, so now, I’ll start acting like the villain.

But the thing is, I can’t.

Nanorimo

Hey guys, I’ve actually found out about Nanorimo around 2 years ago, but never really got my hands into it.

And then since I’m currently not working, and I have an unfinished story at hand and am super unmotivated to actually complete it, I was thinking of how to push myself to get this novel done no matter how shitty it sounded.

So I remembered Nanorimo and I knew that was it. Something that would push me to finish this novel and try to get it published, forget whether by a publishing company or self-published.

I’ve always wanted to be an author and yet I’ve never pushed myself enough to get through the grit of the work, then how can I claim that I want to be an author?

So it’s time to get down to business.

https://nanowrimo.org/participants/firstbooklove  -> here is me on Nanorimo!

Feel free to add me, I would love to find more buddies! (So that everyone can motivate everyone else together!)

And since this unfinished novel already has 10k words and it wouldn’t be fair, I will write 60k words for this novel! (So that the playing ground is even :D)

I know the even has officially started, but it took me really long to decide whether to do this and ever year I’m so afraid of my doubts.

This year, I will change it.

Since I will be out tomorrow, I probably will start planning on saturday and sunday will be the official start of getting down to business.

They literally killed me.

So my mother tried to talk to my sister to tell her to get a job (she’s been home for 8 months and using the computer everyday and doing the same routine every single day.) She doesn’t even have hobbies or likes doing anything.

And my mum isn’t supposed to get angry, she has high blood pressure and yet both my siblings always make her angry.

So my mum got pissed since my sister wasn’t even ‘listening’ properly and my mum threw the newspaper and stalked off, crying.

The worst thing in the world to see is your mother crying.

I got her a glass of water and just left her alone to cool down.

My dad came out to talk to my sister and personally, I hated the way my dad settled things. He always used a very logical way to do it without any empathy (as an INFJ, I hated it a lot)

Well, even my maid told my that she could tell since young my parents have favoured my siblings over me, and I knew it. I grew up knowing it, since I was the middle child and all.

So my sister scratched her arms and my dad’s response irked the heck out of me. He mentioned that if it’s a thing, that they should bring her to a psychologist.

So when she scratched her arm in front of him, then he sees that she needs help?

What about your middle child who has been screaming for help for the past 10 years of her life? The one who hides all her emotions and feelings to put on a brave front for this family? The one who hides everything to make sure her parents never have to worry for her? The girl who always did her best in everything to prove her worth to her parents yet they never acknowledge her efforts? The girl who needed all the support she could get, but all she had was God and herself.

So when my sister only showed symptoms for a day you immediately ran to her aid, but when I’ve been screaming and telling you all the signs for years, you tell me it’s all in my head.

I’ve had to support myself ever since I’ve realised what this anxiety and depression was. I’ve cried myself to sleep and told myself it would all be okay tomorrow.

Well, the matter isn’t really dissolved and my mum went to bed without eating dinner.

I don’t give a flying fuck (sorry for the language) about my sister. No offence, but she saying that my parents called her useless when they didn’t was her own fault. If you say it out loud and demand that someone else said it, it means that you already believe that. But if you know and you refuse to change it, then you have no right to get angry when someone actually really says it.

The thing is that you complain you don’t know what to do with your life, but you’ve never tried anything or search for any hobbies or anything to change that. You gave up on yourself and you blamed everyone else around you for it when it was your fault.

 

It was because I was so used to saving myself, I ended up being my own hero. And I didn’t need anyone else and I never let them close enough to touch me. Because if you can’t touch me, you can’t hurt me anymore.

I’m still harbouring the negative feelings of the argument (I mean in the atmosphere) and am trying to cool down by writing this post. Thank you for reading this till the end!

Stay strong ❤

 

My weekend crisis

Hello guys, well, on Friday I updated my mac to the newer OS ( High Sierra) and I didn’t know what else would entail once I updated it.

I was sent on a crazy rollercoaster ride when I realised that my laptop couldn’t turn on. I panicked like crazy because I didn’t have back ups of my stories and other important stuff. (And no, I didn’t use time machine because I didn’t have a hard disk).

So I went online and tried to search on the problems and I tried to follow the steps, but no avail. I called their support centre twice and had a follow up call as well, but none of it seemed to be able to help me start my computer.

So as a last resort, on Saturday, my dad took me to the repair shop but the person was unable to even scan my laptop to do a diagnostic test. At that point, I already wanted to give up and felt that things were hopeless. The next day, we took it back and send it in for repair.

I did know that the only problem was the OS system and not my laptop itself. But they required us to pay $130 to install the new system although it wasn’t even my fault? (But I won’t complain)

It felt like I was paying $130 to enter a haunted house. (lol)

Thankfully, today when I woke up, I received an sms that my laptop could be collected and I knew what to expect. That the entire memory was wiped out. Thankfully, I copied my desktop stuff onto the hard disk as well.

And since I was using google canary (a big shoutout to google’s awesomeness), I actually managed to recover ALL my bookmarks and passwords for all my websites and accounts. I was so thankful to google I swear.

 

Although it was a scary and tough ride, I guess I actually learnt a lot from it. I learnt to persevere and not give up although I stayed up till 5am to wait for my laptop that didn’t seem to load. I didn’t use my laptop as an excuse to not post or write reviews (I did it all on my phone and dad’s laptop). And I definitely got more out of my comfort zone since I really hate phonecalls (but if I dial the number and call it quick enough, I can do it) and also managed to explain to the staff over at the repair shop on what happened.

Although it was an unfortunate accident and well, no one could be blamed, I was thankful that I managed to recover everything and that I actually learnt a lot from this entire experience.

For all those who read until the end, thank you!

P.S. To the book bloggers that have tagged me for tags over the past 3 days, I’ve taken note and will do them as soon as possible! Thank you for your understanding!