Biasness

So I grew up as a middle child in my family, yet I’m expected to always act like the responsible adult.

So a little more information, I’m currently attempting to write my novel and just trying to work on bookish things, my older sister is staying at home and scrolling through fan-fiction without doing anything else while my younger brother is currently studying, but only knows how to criticise others without looking at himself in the mirror.

My sister quit her job about 6 months ago, but after she graduated after getting her diploma she’s been staying at home and rinsing and repeating the same things, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Wake up- wash up- read fan fiction – play facebook games – eat lunch – read fan fiction – play facebook games – bathe – eat dinner – read fan fiction – play facebook games – sleep

Everything is done at the same time on each day and thats all she does. As the oldest child, she should be the one carrying the responsibility of working and getting a career first.

I’ve been home for like 5 months and my parents have been nagging for me to go and work and I’ve been working on reading and maintaining my book blog and bookstagram. Can you imagine how annoyed and angry I am when my parents keep on telling ME to find a job? Its not that I don’t want to. I’m afraid, I’m depressed, I’m having anxiety. I don’t know what I want to do, so what am I supposed to do?

The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent, I think that its better off that I kill myself than live in this continuously decaying world. I accidentally cut myself with a penknife and you know what? I liked the blood that bled out.

With so much hate and war waging on, is the world really worth it anymore?

Yet, I keep thinking that I’m the worst kind of monster with the scariest types of demons.

My younger brother is currently studying his diploma and keeps criticising that we’re staying at home, but he hasn’t worked a day in his life.

Me on the other hand, I’ve done plenty of part time jobs when I was younger, but I’m trying to transition into adulthood while trying not to die, seems like a pretty unfair trade right?

He likes to go out there and do everything before time runs out, but in that sense, he burdens everyone else around him without even considering their feelings.

Was it my fault that I was born an INFJ that simply felt too much in this horrid world? An empath trapped in between heaven and hell, which clearly seems more like hell now than ever.

I never get the real support I needed, yet they deserved everything else?

If I could watch this world burn, I would, but some part of me knows that it can still be saved somehow, but 99% of the world doesn’t seem to be interested in saving the world. Even if the 1% were the president of every country, that wouldn’t be enough to save the world.

Comparing world hunger and sanitation issues with my own is like comparing cheap meat with premium meat (I don’t enjoy meat though, just an analogy), but it doesn’t make my own issues seem less significant.

Comparison is never good, believe me.

Okay, I think I strayed too far away with the topic, but I’m just trying to get the anger out of me. I don’t have many friends, I only have one. I have a lot of suppressed emotions, trust me. Its just been really difficult. Life, that is.

Today, someone who really helped me with the whole ‘new kid’ situation while doing bookstagram contacted me and we chatted for a little while, not even really deep, just talking about writing and insecurities of an aspiring author, and those little messages brought me REALLY close to tears.

Well, this post was really just for me to vent my anger out, I’m sorry if you read this and felt that I’ve wasted your time 😦

Well, I’ll end with a quote I read from somewhere, I really can’t remember where, but it goes something like this:

” The real good people in life are the ones who can see their demons and think they’re bad”

 

Ask and you will receive

So yesterday night I was having one of those ‘2am thoughts’ moments and was sobbing myself to sleep, I suddenly missed all those toxic people in my life that I had already cut off.

I took my anger and sadness out on twitter, venting on how people think its easy for the INFJ to door slam, thinking we no longer feel a thing. Thinking that we could do it so easily because we were used to locking people out of our lives and seeking solace in loneliness.

This was what I tweeted

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Someone actually replied me, mentioning that “It was the hardest thing we ever had to do, but when we’re pushed so far, we no longer have a choice.”

And I replied ” I totally agree, we do the door slam as a last resort and in the process, a fraction of us dies.” And I didn’t realise how true it was till it was said out loud.

Yes, people may have found our door slam rude and uncalled for, and even childish, but its our way of rebelling against the world that has decided to silence our words and emotions. The door slam is the last way we communicate with that toxic person to let them know that they have hurt us enough, and this slam is where we draw the line. To us, we will treat you as though you’re dead, but it doesn’t change the fact that we will still miss you and still care for you even though you hurt us so deeply.

We have to close these doors which reek of toxic because there’s no other choice but to protect ourselves before the toxic kills us from within.

So, I decided to check out the person who was replying to my tweets and realised that the person was having quite a shitty day too, and offered her a virtual hug.

Do you see how decayed this world is? Until the fact that we find more solace and comfort in the words of random strangers then the ones around us?

When we’ve been screaming so much that our throats have run hoarse and we can’t keep screaming while drowning in water because nobody actually hears us? They don’t see the tears we cry at night, but the masks we wear to prove to the world that we can fit in with society.

But the thing is, we were never born to fit in. Each of our purpose is not going to be the same as the other person beside us, so there’s no point trying so hard to fit in because we never will. But for INFJs, we always seem to NEVER fit in, no matter where we go. Thats why we seek solace in things that will hopefully be eternal like nature, music, knowledge, etc..

I remember praying to God and asking him to quickly let me meet my soul mate, even if its the wrong time, but instead, he sent me to another person who was suffering just like me. Maybe its God’s way of telling me I don’t have a soul mate, maybe it’s his way of telling me to be patient and focus on more healing first.

We never really figure out God’s intentions with us immediately, but in due time, we figured out why things happened like that 2 years ago after another 2 years, but in that process, we learn something that makes us wiser and stronger.

So for everyone who’s fighting their crazy battles, keep hanging on, you’re never alone, even if you feel you are.

And for those who think they are broken, you’re not. You don’t need fixing. You are just different, and different is good.

A letter to my Best Friend

Well, I’ve had many cliques of friends over the past few years, but none of them lasted.

I was hanging out with my friend from secondary school today, we’ve known each other for 8 years and we hang out quite regularly and she loves the library too.

She’s attending university soon and one thing she said today made me realize what I really needed in a friend.

She said ” Why aren’t you in uni, I want you to be in uni too.”

I desperately wanted to go to the university too, but her saying that sentence made me felt like I belong and I understood how come ONLY this friendship withstood the test of time unlike the rest.

Around this best friend (my one and only best friend and friend 😂 If you’re toxic, the door’s that way 😉) I never have to feel like I don’t belong or that I have to wear my mask around her. Around everyone else, I did. Everyone who met me, met the mask I was wearing, the one that seemed so calm and composed and stoic, but around her, I don’t even need that mask.

Last and this year were years that I cut off all my ties with the toxic people in my life, friends who claimed that they were friends but stabbed me in the back, an ex that kept coming back and still mentally hurt me like before.

So if you ask me whether I’m happier now, I would definitely say I am. Even though every day is a battle with depression and anxiety, and even stepping out of my house scares me, I am happy.

Like I said in one of my reviews (I think it was The Lovely Reckless), when you have depression, you only need ONE, at least one person to care about you even if you don’t feel like it. That ONE person will get you through even if they don’t know that they’re saving you just by caring.

So even though I have said this many times to her, I am really thankful that I never need to wear my INFJ mask around her and that I can finally feel like I belong around her.

Thank you😃

Re-opening of Tampines Library

So I have been to my local library (Tampines library) since I was a child, and recently they closed down to move to the Tampines hub. Me and my mother decided to check it out today which happened to be the official opening day for the Tampines hub.

When I stepped into the hub and throughout the entire journey, I was utterly disappointed with the entire trip.

1) Expectations

I already saw preview photos of the library and was eager to check out what they had done with the place. Once we stepped into the Tampines hub, it was flooded with people (Okay, it was the opening day, we have to let that slide) but there were queues everywhere for things like free water? When we entered the library, it was bustling with noise (Mind you, its a library) and kids were running around in hectic circles. And to my horror, I heard that there was a playground (YES, IN THE LIBRARY, luckily it was enclosed) And for even more horror, they placed the teens section near the children section.

2) Rudeness

Apart from the failure of expectations and large amount of people. 90% of the people were extremely rude. Adults pushing their prams let theirs eyes wonder (WAY TOO MUCH) and I swear I almost got rammed into various times and yet these adults will blame you if the pram is hurt (Yes, I said pram, because if your eyes are wondering so much, you probably don’t care about your child’s safety in the pram). Adults letting their children run wild let animals in a jungle and if they hit us, they cry and it becomes our fault when we are just walking around minding out own business.

A shoutout to the people who bother avoiding others so that there is no clash!

Inside the library, it was way more spacious than the previous one, but the amount of people in there was no joke. And to be honest, I rather they have left the old library as it is. As the adult fiction and teens section were on two different levels, I followed my mum up to the adult fiction first. It was good that they brought in new books (I found Roar by Cora Carmack, The One by Jason Marrs and Gotham:Dawn of darkness by Jason Starr (My absolute favourite TV show)) But at the same time, the people browsing were really thoughtless. I was sandwiched by two women (Lets name them A (left) and B (right)) but I spotted an opening as they moved slightly so I went through the hole. Woman B suddenly fell and hit the bookshelf (I swear I didn’t touch her! If I had caused her to fall I would have apologised and helped her up) and then glared at me. I didn’t touch her and then I realised she was wearing one inch heels, but still, I didn’t cause her to fall, there was definitely still space when I went through that hole.

Even the elderly who are pushing their trolleys also just walked without a care in the world.

We all need to learn to be aware and be more thoughtful of others.

3) Giant shelves

Okay, so finally we headed over to the teens section, there were plenty of new books (I think, I couldn’t go through the entire section because of the quota problem- will be mentioned later) But who’s clever idea was it to put the books on such high shelves even though there are stepping stools?

Photo of the Teens fiction section by ST PHOTO: SEAH KWANG PENG (Do let me know if I can’t use this photo, I’ll take it down immediately)

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Look at how high those shelves reach, okay maybe I’m just short at 5″1, and there are foot stools around this area, but isn’t this library a public library? Shouldn’t the designer have planned it more for accessibility rather than for the aesthetics? I have to crane my neck just to see if there’s a book I want up there.

4) Limited quota

Okay, so I had 10 books sitting at home with me due to the previous increase in the quota from 8 books to 16 books (x2) but now I have a passion card which enables 10 books to be borrowed (just recently got it) but as a book lover, I want to borrow as many books as I can. So imagine my horror when I realised that I had 10 books at home and that the quota for 16 books was removed already. The staff did little help but they also had to abide by the library rules. Then my mum mentioned that they should let us borrow it with a small fee and I totally agreed with her.

Singapore, even though a small country, our population is huge and out of that population I bet that less than 10% still read physical books since the age of technology has taken over. And if the national library is trying to encourage more people to read, then shouldn’t the quota be increased more regularly? I’m not asking for the abolishment of the quota, I’m requesting that we can borrow more than 10 books (maybe an extra 10 more) with an additional fee. Its pointless to sign up for a membership of $42 to ensure that 16 books can be borrowed EVERY TIME when there is a low probability that I would hit the 16 book mark every single time I visit the library.

So unfortunately I had to give up the Gotham: Dawn of the Darkness book and opt for the other 2 books and had to even use my mum’s library card to borrow them because I maxed out mine. Its like punishing a kid for doing a good deed, dumb and pointless. My mum couldn’t borrow many books herself because she also forgot my family member’s cards 😦 So imagine my pain when I had to leave a book behind, and it was a book on my absolute favourite TV series, Gotham, at that. T.T

5) Excessive food outlets

So when we reached the Tampines hub, we just dropped our old library books in the book drop before heading to grab lunch (the time was already 2 something) and we couldn’t find any seats at any affordable stores. We found a salad store (Yes, they only sell salad which doesn’t make you full unless there are carbs and the cheapest was $7, Don’t get me wrong, I literally LIVE to eat veggies but that was daylight robbery) so we decided on another pricey store and quickly ate our lunch. The amount of food outlets in this place is uncountable and they shouldn’t really be proud of it. It was advertised as a hub where people could gather to do things together, like visit the library, a swimming complex, activities, but then they decided to throw a whole bunch of food outlets here to let the hub make money which is more of an inconvenience than a help. I understand that the people here need to eat, and so does the patrons, but it was 2.30pm, WAY past lunchtime and we almost couldn’t find a seat.

 

Did you check out the new Tampines Hub? What did you think about it? Let me know in the comments down below!

Annoyed

Well, I just finished my violin lesson and my teacher was trying to get me to sing out the scoresheet and I was close to tears.

To normal people, they would find me crazy and weird that I would get so intimidated to sing out loud, well, doesn’t everyone sing out loud?

Yes, I sing out loud at home and when with my close friend of 8 years, but in front of other people? You might as well kill me.

I did sing a few bars, but couldn’t continue any more after my teacher was asking me to sing louder as she mentioned it was good for the ears.

One problem could have been the excessive amount of phlegm in my throat due to my recent sickness that has yet to subside, but thats not why I felt so much like crying in a cave.

On the way home I thought about it. I’ve never been an expressive person to strangers or even if i knew a friend for 3 years. I’ve never let people’s expectations of me fall because I’ve been living with expectations all my life. I am a perfectionist even if everyone can’t see it. Even voicing my opinion is hard, so how could I sing out loud?

I don’t think I have an unpleasant voice, actually many have praised it (if they ever heard me sing) that it was quite okay. Maybe it was because I felt that my voice never mattered in this endlessly chattering world where the loudest voice gets the best ‘votes’. During my FYP, I was publicly shamed in front of my group by my Director for not speaking up, for being quiet. In my clique I was annoying because I didn’t reply whatsapp messages when I felt my messages had no point. During a karaoke session in secondary 2 when an acquaintance mentioned when me and another friend were singing that we were off tune and pitchy (Even though her voice isn’t nice to listen to 😐 )

So if you asked me what took away my voice, I might be funny and say Ursula, but its not her. The monsters are the people who acted like friends yet hurt you with every word and blamed you for being distant later on.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking all this and that next week I will have the confidence to sing out loud (please pray for me). At least I’m heading down to the newly re-opened Tampines library later on which will definitely make me feel better.

Have you guys ever experience this? Would you like to hear more of my life experiences or life posts? Let me know in the comments below!