Weight (Rant)

– currently my jam

(Warning: Anxiety and depression topics ahead)

Well, today I went for my gynae appointment (I’m eating hormone pills because of very bad menstrual cramps)(Sorry if I’m over sharing 😂) And we had to take our weight.

So all my life I never really struggled with being overweight or anything, I was usually 45-48kg and was usually called really skinny even though I never felt that I was. My most recent was 48kg. Today when I weighted in, I was at 50.3kg.

I mean I’m not fat, and for my height (156cm) it’s considered healthy but I felt as though I gained 30kg or something even though it was 2.

And then I realised why it seemed as though the world ended when I had only gained 2 kg.

All my life, in my family, my weight has always been criticised. Although my ‘friends’ never commented about my weight or that I was always the skinny girl, the people who really loved me always did. And I think that is what hurts the most.

My mother would always compare my weight to my siblings as though I was a kid who only knew how to eat, but I always ate the least among my siblings. Since secondary school until now. And I didn’t realise how much that traumatised me until now, when I stood on that weighing scale and FELT that 50kg was fat.

Has society been advertising models until we feel like shit every time we weight ourselves? How could society on one hand tell me to love my body, and on the other, tell me that I’m fat and not like the Size 2 girls? How could I love a body that has been told that it could never be loved?

Although I weighted 48 kg most recently before today’s weigh in, these past few months I had been working out and definitely know that muscles have developed and recently started watching my diet (but I always over-eat my 1,000 cal set by my app 😕 )

But the more heart breaking thing was that, I was trying to lose weight even though I am in the healthy range for my height.

Well, I’ve hated my sister ever since I realised that my parents always compare us (only in front of me) and it hurt me and that they always gave the attention to her. And yet I’ve been the one trying the hardest to please them. I always got the best results and always told them my plans and everything, but they’ve never supported me.

(God, I’ve having a difficult time typing this post, I keep tearing up in between, sorry guys)

So she weighed in at 50kg, but she has been sitting around all day and doing nothing. And I know that its the same, but I remembered that I had muscles and had worked out and walked frequently, but that wasn’t much consolation to my brain.

6 ways to know you were raised by a narcissist
> While reading this post, I guess my suspicions were true. (I also heard a lot of people who are INFJs are raised by Narcissistic parents)

All my life, I’ve been led to believe that I was never good enough. (Maybe it’s my high expectations, and maybe it’s the people around me.) But at least now I’m aware.

I also remember my ex mentioning that I was ‘chubby’, I know its not the same as fat, but is it really different?

Maybe people never really realised that words have power. And that power could hurt someone or encourage them, but many do not know it’s effect on the other person. That’s why I rather not to speak if I got nothing good to say. Maybe people who read a lot and write a lot truly understand the power of words and know how to not misuse them.

Although I always brush off my anxiety and depression as sadness and suddenly bad feelings, I knew what they were ever since secondary school. I admitted to them and I was okay with having them, I mean, they never truly disappear, do they? Acceptance is the key, also mindset. I never felt that people who have mental illnesses are a burden or are not needed, they just feel more deeply, they just carry heavier loads while trying to finish life’s race. I’ve been screaming for help, but no one hears me, and recently, I thought about giving up a lot of times but I was afraid to do it. But I’m okay, I think I just need support. My asian parents don’t believe in mental illnesses and just classify it as crazy like the rest of society.

(Oh God, this is so difficult)

I’m not suicidal, even though the thoughts are there, I’m trying to find ways to distract it. I’ve also scheduled an online appointment for counselling to see whether I can get clarification and support. I know it’s better to see a psychologist, but I’m currently not working and I can’t find the strength to get a job.

I might be using my anxiety and depression for excuses, but people don’t know how hard it is with it. It’s difficult for me to even step outside of the house into crowded areas. But I pretend that it’s all okay, but I never give eye contact. I pretend that I know everything in the world and that no one around me affects me or can ever penetrate my walls to bring me down. But that’s the mask that I always show the people around me. As though I’m fearless. I lock away my emotions that drag me down and become an emotionless robot. And I’m tired. But nobody seems to like the real me behind the mask.

For all of you going through the same thing, please know that you’re not alone. Reach out, even if its online and you don’t know this other person. You need as much support as you can get. Don’t carry all that baggage and pain by yourself, it gets tiring and hurtful. Vent when you need to, scream even though you feel as though you can’t be heard, cry as though you were filling a ocean, it’s okay.

Blogging has given me the ability to believe that my voice is heard, that my opinion matters.

And it’s okay not to be okay.

Stay strong.

Love, Michelle

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A cup of stars for all the wishes I need to come true (Rant)

Well, today had been a really extremely sucky day.

In the morning, while trying to post out the giveaway prizes, which I expected to only pay around $5 each for postage, was actually charged at $11,$12 and $13 per parcel, and I had to pay $38 at least. I was happy that the books were going to new owners who were going to love them, but I was upset at the extremely large difference in price.

After that, me and my mum went to have breakfast, we were going library hopping today, it was supposed to be a good day.

While at Subway, we used a coupon that gave us an 3 inch flatbread and a cup of coffee/tea for $3.50. So I requested for my mum to get me an egg and cheese. She came back and said that we couldn’t choose what we wanted from the coupon. I understood that, but the Egg and cheese was the cheapest thing on the menu compared to the others which all had meat in them.

There was definitely nothing wrong while we were at the library, and one library even had the moving ladder that Belle used in Beauty and the Beast, #bookwormgoals

While on our way back home, we took the public transport which was a train, and the doors are automated and everything and timed. The train was packed and yet this girl forcefully pushed her way in through the train, WITH A PRAM in tow. I mean she could have waited for the next one, but she pushed her way in and there was no space, so she was standing where the doors would close. Everyone else had to squeeze in more so that the pram could fit in. And throughout the entire ride, her face was as black as coal, totally not appreciative that people squeezed so much to let her in because of the pram.

Then, the pram wheels were really close to my feet and it was packed and the train was moving, so I had to push against this other girl in front of me who was carrying a backpack with who knows what is inside since its like a stone. I knew she felt me pushing because she also started applying force back, LEANING against me while i was trying to stabilise myself, and not hit the pram. I definitely noticed it and was really annoyed because she was using her phone and there was quite a bit of space for her to move but she didn’t and she pushed back against me.

Having had enough, I purposely took a step back and watched her losing her balance for a while. (I’m sorry but I was happy, I think she deserved it.) She knew the pram had taken a lot of space up too.

After that, things were okay, until I got a message from my other producer who I worked with duing my final year project before graduation.

She started off okay, asking how I was and whether I had started working full time yet since its been 5 months since we graduated. I told her I hadn’t, I was working on reviewing books and reading and writing more.

And her reply was of her showing off that she had a full time job.

Let me tell you some stuff about her. The reason why nobody could handle her or like her, was because every conversation you had with her, she would talk about herself. Even if you change the subject, she will alter the route back to herself. How can anyone be okay with someone like that?

And I do admit, I was manipulating her to be my friend before graduation but I really hated being around her. She just makes me feel more alone than I already am. I just hung around her because my old Clique of friends suddenly decided that I was the bad guy even though I knew nothing of what caused it to fall apart. I mean, they were the ones who made me feel extremely left out in the first place. I just worked professionally with this other producer because I didn’t want any negative feelings for this project since it was a stressful period.

I mean I think I never admitted this but, the workload was a way for me not to think about my anxiety and depression.

So she texted me and showed off that she had a full time job and that she wanted to go to university. Yet when I started talking about university, she had no idea it was so expensive or what course she wanted to go into.

As someone who researched so thoroughly for university, I was really annoyed. I knew i couldn’t get into a local university, so I researched for the private ones and am still deciding.

I mean, even if you have a full time job and someone else doesn’t, that never gives you the right to look down on someone. We might have crossed paths and been on the same path, but we never have the same experiences.

 

The polytechnic life scarred me, FOR LIFE. But it taught me really important things about people and how horrible they can be. Throughout the entire polytechnic life, I was suffering from anxiety and depression, it wasn’t easy.

I didn’t have people to help me with the anxiety and depression. My family doesn’t get the mental illness thing, it doesn’t exist to them. They don’t believe in it. I barely had any friends left to confide with, one claimed that it was all just in my head. Everyone else was more interested in telling me their own problems that nobody cared for my own.

So back to the texting.

I mean, so what if you have a full time job and someone else doesn’t? I don’t need the money urgently because I don’t spend recklessly like her, she spends $150 on cosplay and uses it only once while I take 6 months to decide whether I want to buy a $15 book. Just because you have a job and someone else doesn’t, you are not given any special privileges to look down on someone. That is childish and dumb. And nobody should have to face that type of inferiority. You may think that you know everything in the world, but nobody has all the answers.

And you complain that a 9-5 job is boring, but it was your choice to work that job in the first place.

The reason why I haven’t found a job is because I’m scared of the uncertain. Of meeting new people, of getting more hurt than I already am. i don’t want to compromise with a society that only places importance on money and not mental ideals. People nowadays are disgusting and I hate them more and more each day because I know what they are capable of.

I’ve seen the monsters. In myself.

But more importantly, I don’t want to get a random job so that I can study uni, I want to do something that can make a difference, or at least something that I can enjoy. If I have to make a decision, I always know what I want before I attack.

I never fight a war that I cannot win.

 

 

If you’ve read this entire post, thank you so much for having that much patience with me and thank you that you can handle my monstrosity and darkness. Thank you for being there, even by reading this post, I know my voice matters. Thank you for listening to my pointless rant.

If you feel like me, please know that you’re not alone. Feel free to contact me in anyway at all, even privately on social media!

We can get through this. We will.

 

Grateful

I just wanted to post this to show my gratefulness to my 300+ bookstagram followers (although they probably don’t read my book blog) and my followers here on wordpress!

I started bookstagram for fun actually, when a friend casually introduced me to it, and I didn’t know how loving and great the bookish community was until I dived into it. Bookstagraming had also helped me to rekindle my love for reading which I almost abandoned. But without books, how could I have survived?

I loved that books allow me to adventure into so many different worlds and meet so many different characters.

For my book blog, I was really hesitant to start it as I thought that reviewing books would make me eventually hate reading because I didn’t want to critical about something I love, but over time, and the more I did it, the more enjoyable it became. And I didn’t expect 1 follower, much less more than 50 within the 2 months of starting the blog.

So here is me, Michelle from Firstbooklove, saying to you, a VERY BIG Thank you for following me so far and I hope to be able to get more opportunities to review even more books for you guys!

Feel free to connect with me to share your own reviews about books! I would love to read your reviews too! If you have a bookstagram too, let me know in the comments down below!

Thank you!

From,

Firstbooklove

Biasness

So I grew up as a middle child in my family, yet I’m expected to always act like the responsible adult.

So a little more information, I’m currently attempting to write my novel and just trying to work on bookish things, my older sister is staying at home and scrolling through fan-fiction without doing anything else while my younger brother is currently studying, but only knows how to criticise others without looking at himself in the mirror.

My sister quit her job about 6 months ago, but after she graduated after getting her diploma she’s been staying at home and rinsing and repeating the same things, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Wake up- wash up- read fan fiction – play facebook games – eat lunch – read fan fiction – play facebook games – bathe – eat dinner – read fan fiction – play facebook games – sleep

Everything is done at the same time on each day and thats all she does. As the oldest child, she should be the one carrying the responsibility of working and getting a career first.

I’ve been home for like 5 months and my parents have been nagging for me to go and work and I’ve been working on reading and maintaining my book blog and bookstagram. Can you imagine how annoyed and angry I am when my parents keep on telling ME to find a job? Its not that I don’t want to. I’m afraid, I’m depressed, I’m having anxiety. I don’t know what I want to do, so what am I supposed to do?

The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent, I think that its better off that I kill myself than live in this continuously decaying world. I accidentally cut myself with a penknife and you know what? I liked the blood that bled out.

With so much hate and war waging on, is the world really worth it anymore?

Yet, I keep thinking that I’m the worst kind of monster with the scariest types of demons.

My younger brother is currently studying his diploma and keeps criticising that we’re staying at home, but he hasn’t worked a day in his life.

Me on the other hand, I’ve done plenty of part time jobs when I was younger, but I’m trying to transition into adulthood while trying not to die, seems like a pretty unfair trade right?

He likes to go out there and do everything before time runs out, but in that sense, he burdens everyone else around him without even considering their feelings.

Was it my fault that I was born an INFJ that simply felt too much in this horrid world? An empath trapped in between heaven and hell, which clearly seems more like hell now than ever.

I never get the real support I needed, yet they deserved everything else?

If I could watch this world burn, I would, but some part of me knows that it can still be saved somehow, but 99% of the world doesn’t seem to be interested in saving the world. Even if the 1% were the president of every country, that wouldn’t be enough to save the world.

Comparing world hunger and sanitation issues with my own is like comparing cheap meat with premium meat (I don’t enjoy meat though, just an analogy), but it doesn’t make my own issues seem less significant.

Comparison is never good, believe me.

Okay, I think I strayed too far away with the topic, but I’m just trying to get the anger out of me. I don’t have many friends, I only have one. I have a lot of suppressed emotions, trust me. Its just been really difficult. Life, that is.

Today, someone who really helped me with the whole ‘new kid’ situation while doing bookstagram contacted me and we chatted for a little while, not even really deep, just talking about writing and insecurities of an aspiring author, and those little messages brought me REALLY close to tears.

Well, this post was really just for me to vent my anger out, I’m sorry if you read this and felt that I’ve wasted your time 😦

Well, I’ll end with a quote I read from somewhere, I really can’t remember where, but it goes something like this:

” The real good people in life are the ones who can see their demons and think they’re bad”

 

Ask and you will receive

So yesterday night I was having one of those ‘2am thoughts’ moments and was sobbing myself to sleep, I suddenly missed all those toxic people in my life that I had already cut off.

I took my anger and sadness out on twitter, venting on how people think its easy for the INFJ to door slam, thinking we no longer feel a thing. Thinking that we could do it so easily because we were used to locking people out of our lives and seeking solace in loneliness.

This was what I tweeted

Screen Shot 2017-08-12 at 4.15.31 pm.png

Someone actually replied me, mentioning that “It was the hardest thing we ever had to do, but when we’re pushed so far, we no longer have a choice.”

And I replied ” I totally agree, we do the door slam as a last resort and in the process, a fraction of us dies.” And I didn’t realise how true it was till it was said out loud.

Yes, people may have found our door slam rude and uncalled for, and even childish, but its our way of rebelling against the world that has decided to silence our words and emotions. The door slam is the last way we communicate with that toxic person to let them know that they have hurt us enough, and this slam is where we draw the line. To us, we will treat you as though you’re dead, but it doesn’t change the fact that we will still miss you and still care for you even though you hurt us so deeply.

We have to close these doors which reek of toxic because there’s no other choice but to protect ourselves before the toxic kills us from within.

So, I decided to check out the person who was replying to my tweets and realised that the person was having quite a shitty day too, and offered her a virtual hug.

Do you see how decayed this world is? Until the fact that we find more solace and comfort in the words of random strangers then the ones around us?

When we’ve been screaming so much that our throats have run hoarse and we can’t keep screaming while drowning in water because nobody actually hears us? They don’t see the tears we cry at night, but the masks we wear to prove to the world that we can fit in with society.

But the thing is, we were never born to fit in. Each of our purpose is not going to be the same as the other person beside us, so there’s no point trying so hard to fit in because we never will. But for INFJs, we always seem to NEVER fit in, no matter where we go. Thats why we seek solace in things that will hopefully be eternal like nature, music, knowledge, etc..

I remember praying to God and asking him to quickly let me meet my soul mate, even if its the wrong time, but instead, he sent me to another person who was suffering just like me. Maybe its God’s way of telling me I don’t have a soul mate, maybe it’s his way of telling me to be patient and focus on more healing first.

We never really figure out God’s intentions with us immediately, but in due time, we figured out why things happened like that 2 years ago after another 2 years, but in that process, we learn something that makes us wiser and stronger.

So for everyone who’s fighting their crazy battles, keep hanging on, you’re never alone, even if you feel you are.

And for those who think they are broken, you’re not. You don’t need fixing. You are just different, and different is good.

A letter to my Best Friend

Well, I’ve had many cliques of friends over the past few years, but none of them lasted.

I was hanging out with my friend from secondary school today, we’ve known each other for 8 years and we hang out quite regularly and she loves the library too.

She’s attending university soon and one thing she said today made me realize what I really needed in a friend.

She said ” Why aren’t you in uni, I want you to be in uni too.”

I desperately wanted to go to the university too, but her saying that sentence made me felt like I belong and I understood how come ONLY this friendship withstood the test of time unlike the rest.

Around this best friend (my one and only best friend and friend 😂 If you’re toxic, the door’s that way 😉) I never have to feel like I don’t belong or that I have to wear my mask around her. Around everyone else, I did. Everyone who met me, met the mask I was wearing, the one that seemed so calm and composed and stoic, but around her, I don’t even need that mask.

Last and this year were years that I cut off all my ties with the toxic people in my life, friends who claimed that they were friends but stabbed me in the back, an ex that kept coming back and still mentally hurt me like before.

So if you ask me whether I’m happier now, I would definitely say I am. Even though every day is a battle with depression and anxiety, and even stepping out of my house scares me, I am happy.

Like I said in one of my reviews (I think it was The Lovely Reckless), when you have depression, you only need ONE, at least one person to care about you even if you don’t feel like it. That ONE person will get you through even if they don’t know that they’re saving you just by caring.

So even though I have said this many times to her, I am really thankful that I never need to wear my INFJ mask around her and that I can finally feel like I belong around her.

Thank you😃

Re-opening of Tampines Library

So I have been to my local library (Tampines library) since I was a child, and recently they closed down to move to the Tampines hub. Me and my mother decided to check it out today which happened to be the official opening day for the Tampines hub.

When I stepped into the hub and throughout the entire journey, I was utterly disappointed with the entire trip.

1) Expectations

I already saw preview photos of the library and was eager to check out what they had done with the place. Once we stepped into the Tampines hub, it was flooded with people (Okay, it was the opening day, we have to let that slide) but there were queues everywhere for things like free water? When we entered the library, it was bustling with noise (Mind you, its a library) and kids were running around in hectic circles. And to my horror, I heard that there was a playground (YES, IN THE LIBRARY, luckily it was enclosed) And for even more horror, they placed the teens section near the children section.

2) Rudeness

Apart from the failure of expectations and large amount of people. 90% of the people were extremely rude. Adults pushing their prams let theirs eyes wonder (WAY TOO MUCH) and I swear I almost got rammed into various times and yet these adults will blame you if the pram is hurt (Yes, I said pram, because if your eyes are wondering so much, you probably don’t care about your child’s safety in the pram). Adults letting their children run wild let animals in a jungle and if they hit us, they cry and it becomes our fault when we are just walking around minding out own business.

A shoutout to the people who bother avoiding others so that there is no clash!

Inside the library, it was way more spacious than the previous one, but the amount of people in there was no joke. And to be honest, I rather they have left the old library as it is. As the adult fiction and teens section were on two different levels, I followed my mum up to the adult fiction first. It was good that they brought in new books (I found Roar by Cora Carmack, The One by Jason Marrs and Gotham:Dawn of darkness by Jason Starr (My absolute favourite TV show)) But at the same time, the people browsing were really thoughtless. I was sandwiched by two women (Lets name them A (left) and B (right)) but I spotted an opening as they moved slightly so I went through the hole. Woman B suddenly fell and hit the bookshelf (I swear I didn’t touch her! If I had caused her to fall I would have apologised and helped her up) and then glared at me. I didn’t touch her and then I realised she was wearing one inch heels, but still, I didn’t cause her to fall, there was definitely still space when I went through that hole.

Even the elderly who are pushing their trolleys also just walked without a care in the world.

We all need to learn to be aware and be more thoughtful of others.

3) Giant shelves

Okay, so finally we headed over to the teens section, there were plenty of new books (I think, I couldn’t go through the entire section because of the quota problem- will be mentioned later) But who’s clever idea was it to put the books on such high shelves even though there are stepping stools?

Photo of the Teens fiction section by ST PHOTO: SEAH KWANG PENG (Do let me know if I can’t use this photo, I’ll take it down immediately)

tampregionallib4.jpg

Look at how high those shelves reach, okay maybe I’m just short at 5″1, and there are foot stools around this area, but isn’t this library a public library? Shouldn’t the designer have planned it more for accessibility rather than for the aesthetics? I have to crane my neck just to see if there’s a book I want up there.

4) Limited quota

Okay, so I had 10 books sitting at home with me due to the previous increase in the quota from 8 books to 16 books (x2) but now I have a passion card which enables 10 books to be borrowed (just recently got it) but as a book lover, I want to borrow as many books as I can. So imagine my horror when I realised that I had 10 books at home and that the quota for 16 books was removed already. The staff did little help but they also had to abide by the library rules. Then my mum mentioned that they should let us borrow it with a small fee and I totally agreed with her.

Singapore, even though a small country, our population is huge and out of that population I bet that less than 10% still read physical books since the age of technology has taken over. And if the national library is trying to encourage more people to read, then shouldn’t the quota be increased more regularly? I’m not asking for the abolishment of the quota, I’m requesting that we can borrow more than 10 books (maybe an extra 10 more) with an additional fee. Its pointless to sign up for a membership of $42 to ensure that 16 books can be borrowed EVERY TIME when there is a low probability that I would hit the 16 book mark every single time I visit the library.

So unfortunately I had to give up the Gotham: Dawn of the Darkness book and opt for the other 2 books and had to even use my mum’s library card to borrow them because I maxed out mine. Its like punishing a kid for doing a good deed, dumb and pointless. My mum couldn’t borrow many books herself because she also forgot my family member’s cards 😦 So imagine my pain when I had to leave a book behind, and it was a book on my absolute favourite TV series, Gotham, at that. T.T

5) Excessive food outlets

So when we reached the Tampines hub, we just dropped our old library books in the book drop before heading to grab lunch (the time was already 2 something) and we couldn’t find any seats at any affordable stores. We found a salad store (Yes, they only sell salad which doesn’t make you full unless there are carbs and the cheapest was $7, Don’t get me wrong, I literally LIVE to eat veggies but that was daylight robbery) so we decided on another pricey store and quickly ate our lunch. The amount of food outlets in this place is uncountable and they shouldn’t really be proud of it. It was advertised as a hub where people could gather to do things together, like visit the library, a swimming complex, activities, but then they decided to throw a whole bunch of food outlets here to let the hub make money which is more of an inconvenience than a help. I understand that the people here need to eat, and so does the patrons, but it was 2.30pm, WAY past lunchtime and we almost couldn’t find a seat.

 

Did you check out the new Tampines Hub? What did you think about it? Let me know in the comments down below!