Hello my lovely people! I think it’s overdue that I have another storytime! My first one talked about Toxic friendships and this second one, well it’s there in the title, first love and heartbreaks!
Honestly, I debated a long time as to whether I wanted to even talk about this topic because it’s still a little raw even though it’s been years and I took it off my topic list (yes, I have A LIST and currently there are about 12 topics I want to talk about!) and kept thinking whether to put it back on and decided that I should.
I’m writing this post not to spread hate or talk bad about these people, by airing out the dirty laundry, I’m telling you the shit I did wrong too, and I’m okay with that, because this a reflection for me and I hope it’ll be a good warning/ learning lesson for everyone out there so that they don’t go through the same situations that I had to go through, because no matter how evil a person is, no one deserves to got through such tough things like this.
Okay, so I’ll split the different sections and of course I will not reveal all names (I’ll use flowers!), but if the person remembers me, I think they will know who they are and honestly, I don’t care much anymore, all these people are no longer part of my life and honestly, I don’t want them to be.
What solidified my idea of wanting to write this was yesterday’s anxiety attack that I had at night. I couldn’t sleep, I cried myself to sleep and it’s something that happens really often in the past, but now, I don’t do that as much.
Okay, let’s get to the real story!
There will be four parts! And each new section (meaning a different person) will be titled in bold! (Let me take a deep breath first, haha, this is scary to start)
Part 1: First Crush
So my first crush was kinda funny, this guy (mentioned in my first storytime in Part 1 as C!) was my tablemate and we sat beside each other. I had a crush on him because well, he was the class clown, he knew how to make a situation better and his smile literally lighted up the world. Let’s call him Sunflower! So Sunflower was nice to everyone in primary school and was always happy, frequently singing and dancing around the classroom.
So my best friend at that time told the teacher that I didn’t want to friend her (yeah, literally after she got jealous that her crush gave me a bear that HE asked me what I wanted for my present? And I still think it was her who told everyone I had a crush on Sunflower because only she knew) and I was crying, sobbing, literally since the teacher pulled me to the back of the class and kinda told me off, forcing me to befriend her again. When I returned to my seat, Sunflower literally whispered into my ear to just ignore her and honestly that is the most romantic thing that happened to my life XD
Of course, we never went out or anything since I didn’t confess and it was a crush, it wasn’t serious. Also, by the next year literally everyone knew I liked him, but I already didn’t like him anymore, so I found it pretty hilarious, but people were still making fun of me because of it and honestly it didn’t make me feel good, because the way people talked about it was as though I wasn’t good enough.
Part 2: First Love
Wow, this was my first heartbreak, of course later on I will talk about another one that completely shattered me, but let’s focus on this first. Let’s call him Camellia (flower that can withstand winter) since I never knew him in real life or even knew his name, all I had was his character’s name which had something to do with ice and guns.
So how can a guy I never met be my first love? Well, this person was someone I met on Maplestory, my brother, back then, love to get me to ‘date’ people in games (and I don’t know why I agreed, I still don’t haha) and so I casually asked Camellia and he said okay.
He was really nice and he taught me a lot about being kind and having heart. Our ‘relationship’ lasted 3 days and then suddenly, he didn’t come online anymore. I waited for days for him to return until I finally gave up. I was heartbroken and honestly I was sad.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that people could leave me so easily without even turning back. That was when my anxiety first started, and I think my depression too. I had anxiety attacks since 12 years old and at that time I never knew. I had attacks for 9 years before I finally realised that it was anxiety.
I was heartbroken by his disappearance and it really broke me, but it also taught me a lot of things withing that short span of time. I learnt to be kind.
Part 3: ?
I was desperate to fill that hole in my heart, so I tried to ‘date’ online via games. I was so emotionally broken that I tried to search for it in someone else, but I always knew I couldn’t.
So I played a game named Grand Chase and it really helped me through my depression. The game has closed down, but I love it nonetheless and play the mobile games and even have a comic that is entirely in Korean. People don’t understand why I’m obsessed with certain things, but it’s because it pulled me through tough times, when no one else was there for me, these things pulled me through when I wanted to give up so many times, so I cling to them for dear life.
I met another guy, let’s call him Dandelion, of course I never met him in real life and we kinda ‘dated’, but honestly, all the times online I don’t really count them though. So he (lives in another country) and he would say he loves me and would want to visit, which was kinda creepy, we don’t even know each other and have never met or even skyped or anything. I didn’t even know what love was and I doubt he did too. He kept talking about how he loved me, but he didn’t know me at all. That time I was focused on my studies and playing games, I didn’t even know myself.
So of course I broke things with him, I really didn’t know him and he didn’t know me.
Part 4: First relationship
Okay, so we are at the final and the most difficult part to talk about. This was the part I was scared to write. It’s been five years that we’ve broke up already, but it still hurts all the same. Let’s call him Rose, because he gave them to me once.
I met Rose when I was in secondary school, we were in the same class and our birthdays were really close too. We hung in different cliques of course, he would hang out with his friends and would seem like the leader while I hung out with my own clique.
So there was another girl in class, she was the pretty and popular one while I was the shy and smart one (haha talk about drama troupes, huh). So she actually had her eyes on Rose, but she also dated a ton of the other guys in his clique and she was known for changing her boyfriends really quickly.
(Okay, let me wipe away a few tears, I really meant it when I said this was the difficult portion to talk about.)
She and Rose would pass letters in class and it annoyed me to no end that I was the mailman. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like him then, I wanted to focus on the class and study (I REALLY wanted to study) and they were distracting me.
So how I found out that Rose liked me, was actually all by accident.
I confronted one of the guys in their clique (on social media, of course, I’m not good at confrontation) as they were calling my good friend names from a game (a zombie game and that zombie wasn’t nice). So this friend of Rose’s (I’m just going to shoutout that he was an extremely smooth wingman, but no names😉 And I don’t think Rose knows this as well) told me that Rose was the leader and I should confront him instead and he gave me Rose’s number. This friend was also the one who told me that Rose liked me and I was in disbelief, because all Rose did was to kick my chair (CONSTANTLY that I disliked him so much since I was trying to study) and make fun of me constantly. (Now I understand it’s a just a childish way to show someone you like them LOL)
And I must have been crazy reckless back then (the me now is like, you crazy bitch, what were you thinking? Confronting someone like that?), but I hated that my friend was suffering and I couldn’t speak out for her.
Okay, so Rose and I had each other numbers, he was skeptical at first but of course believed me in the end. So we chatted and all. At the end of secondary 3, when I was going for a CCA trip to help the less fortunate, he told me he had something to say when I got back.
And then he confessed and something in me actually told me no, but I said yes. I still haven’t fallen for him yet, but I said yes.
(Dammit the tears again. Let me take a breather.)
So we started dating in secondary 4 (I was 16 and he was too). We actually rarely went out as we were both really shy. Of course initially, we didn’t even communicate much face to face so we were great, I was happy.
It was in secondary 5 where things started to go wrong. After secondary 4, he didn’t go on and study and went to an institute that taught more practical lessons while I continued to try to head to polytechnic by studying to take the o-levels. We were in different schools but we made things work, he would pick me up after school, we would well, simply hang out at my house.
I’ll be honest. I’m clingy and easily jealous. I told you guys I’m going to be airing my own dirty laundry because I’ve come to terms with these things.
He would hang out with me for a while before wanting to go off, and he didn’t tell me beforehand what time he needed to go and if he had other plans after me. Because if he did, I would have respected it, but he would just say “I’m going to meet up with my friends” and then he’ll leave.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t in a good place in secondary 5 and polytechnic year 1, let me explain why.
Since I was in secondary 5, I had to study hard, because if I failed then it would mean that the year was wasted and I would have to go to school that would teach practical things (I’m not saying it’s bad, but if I wanted to learn that, I would have gone after secondary 4, not waste a year before going there). There was a lot of stress, a lot that I put on myself too, my subjects were passing, but not good enough for me, I kept feeling that it wasn’t good enough. I was barely passing additional mathematics and Chinese.
I didn’t tell my parents about Rose, because I knew that they wouldn’t approve since my mum is really religious (Rose is really religious too, I’ll talk more about that later) and my parents wanted me to do well and further my studies. So when my mum found out, she also realised that I stopped wearing my cross necklace. She came to me, CRYING. Have you ever seen your parent cry before? My mum NEVER cries and knowing that it was because of me, it broke me to pieces knowing that it was my fault.
I ended up wearing the necklace again and I thought the storm was gone. But things only got worse from there. During a meet the parent session, my mum ended up telling my form teacher (and probably my assistant teacher). She definitely told them to talk to me.
Because what came next really shattered me.
My teacher dragged me out during a class (I think) and sat me down in the school library and talked to me, reminding me that studies were the most important thing right now and that me and Rose could afford to spend time apart. (I swear she was telling me to break up with Rose) (I never told Rose this.)
In secondary 1 and 2 my results were REALLY good, I was in the top 10 of my cohort in secondary 1 and in secondary 2, I was top of my cohort. In secondary 3 and 4 I definitely dropped a little, but it was still pretty good.
And I was literally bawling, I mean what adult can do that to a child? I knew my parents had my best interest at heart, but that moment I felt betrayed and until this day I’m still upset at this. As a teacher, I thought you were supposed to build a child up, not tear them down.
I was just bawling in the library and this teacher stared at me like I was an idiot, making the biggest mistake of my life if I didn’t break up with Rose. One of my classmate (who my friends thought liked me- the one like a brother to me) saw me crying and he and another guy that used to be in Rose’s class gave me tissues and I was a mess to say thank you to them. (I doubt they even remember this incident or me, but here’s a belated Thank you! I’m sorry I didn’t say it back then, but I really appreciate the tissues!
(I’m crying again.)
After that, I was so angry, so extremely angry & also because of something that happened in secondary 4, my n-levels (I had a chance to enter poly early, but it was a mistake- will talk about this in another storytime). So my anger turned into fuel, to prove all these adults wrong. That I deserved this love and I would show them that I could keep this love and do well. I told myself that if I couldn’t do this for myself, I would do it for Rose. (Okay, I am just full on crying right now and the anger of this is still here. This type of pain is really hard to forget. I’m just tearing open this wound again and laying it all out there.)
I hated that it felt like there was no one on my side, no one at all. All my friends didn’t care much because I think I was really good at acting, I was better at them in grades and had a relationship, in their eyes, my life was perfect.
I was the only one falling apart.
And my relationship with Rose started falling apart. It was tough and I didn’t tell him about the teacher’s talk and how my parents didn’t approve. He also wasn’t supportive of my studies (and where I wanted to study) because later on he told me that “he wanted someone with the same education level as him”.
I was crying myself to sleep almost every night and the next morning when my friend asked me why my eyes were puffy, I would lie and say that I didn’t sleep well, and they bought it.
I was in so much pain back then, remembering it now has made me fall apart all over again.
Of course I’m not the perfect girlfriend, no one is. And I definitely had my faults, I was a mess, but who isn’t?
There were plenty of red flags that my friends caught on early, and some even warned me, but I refused to listen.
But looking back, I was simply too blind in love to see them.
He never brought me to his house (I only went once) and his parents disapproved of me (EVEN WITHOUT MEETING ME. They disapproved because I was simply Christian.) He would choose to hang out with his friends over me and when we hung out, he would flock to them even without letting me know beforehand (as someone with anxiety, I find comfort with plans- back then I didn’t know it was my anxiety).
He once literally pushed me onto the bus and watched me go before turning to leave with his friends. (That is why I never take that bus anymore.) I would stop him when he told me he wanted to work, not because I was jealous of the other girls around him (that was an excuse), but he didn’t spend time with me anymore. He would be gaming frequently and always put his gaming, family, friends and religion before me.
I was just a trophy girlfriend for him and I honestly, I wouldn’t be crying if I didn’t love him, but I don’t think he loved me.
I would try to talk to him about things we had in common, he was studying something with lighting and since my diploma had a little bit, I tried to talk to him about it, but he brushed me off angrily and said “if you want to talk about this, why don’t you talk to my friend instead”.
I knew he hated his course, but what he didn’t know was that I hated mine too. I went into my course through a special admission, the Direct Polytechnic admission programme, after passing an aptitude test and interview and my results did I secure a place, as long as I score lowered than a 25 for my o-levels, my future was secure.
When I found out I got accepted for the admission, I was elated, but he didn’t care. When I got my o-level results and it was 15, which was actually really good, he brushed me off too.
There was one time be bought me roses for Valentine’s day and I packed them into my schoolbag, freeing up my hands. I realised after that he actually wanted me to carry the roses in my arms, but I freed up my arms because I wanted to hold his hand (I also didn’t take home any textbooks for that reason). And I now know that I don’t like receiving flowers (I’m sorry, I didn’t know back then).
We rarely went out, I was a homebody and I guess he was sick of that.
There was one time, since we both gamed, he wanted to buy something and mentioned his parents kept his credit card, mine did too, but my mum handed it to me when I asked. So I lent him my card number to buy an item, he did pay me back.
And then a few weeks later, I find out that $300 have been taken out of my account. I went ballistic, because this money wasn’t given by my parents, this was money I saved up when I got scholarships because I studied hard and they rewarded students at the end of the year with around $600 and the money from when I worked part time. I didn’t even use that money for anything, not even to buy myself things.
I confronted him and he confessed he used my card to buy something for HIS COUSIN. I came up with a plan for him to pay me back (He didn’t and I told him to forget it, but if he really was a man, he would have tried to pay it back, right? He stole my hard earned money after all.).
When I cried at night, and told him I was out of breath, I was always worried and stress, he told me that it was nothing, it was all in my head. (But it was my anxiety. And honestly I don’t blame him, our school doesn’t teach us about it and my country is really conservative about mental illness). But now I know I had been gaslighted, by someone who I trusted.
He also told me that he almost got into a fight with his classmate because they said that he should break up with me and date someone else from their class. Was I not good enough for him? Is that why?
Rose never fought for me, if he had fought with his classmate for me, it wouldn’t have been romantic at all, he would have been an idiot.
He never fought for me because his parents disliked me when they knew I was Christian. His mum told him (which he told me) that there are other trees in the forest.
I loved this guy and at one point had thought of a life with him, hearing that I was just another one of an option, that I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH for him although he had hurt me so much had hurt me more. And the thing was that he never fought for me, not to prove that I was worthy of his love or anything at all.
Nearing the end of the relationship, I at the max with what I could handle. I had a penknife in my hand. (Oh good Lord.) And I did cut myself, not hard enough to draw blood, but I wanted to draw blood. Of course I never threatened to kill myself if he left me and I never even told him I almost resorted to self harm.
I was just so tired and hurt. There were so many bruises in my heart that didn’t have enough time to heal. Although the cuts never bled, the scars are still here to this day and whenever I see it on my left forearm (near my inner elbow) and on the back of my right hand just above the wrist, I remember that moment. That I was so tired and wanted to give up.
Then the storm hit when he broke up with me when I was in the first year of my polytechnic school. I cried like crazy and he was saying that we could still be friends. He kept talking about how we could still be friends when I was the one begging and asking why, why did he break up with me and why I wasn’t good enough.
I was texting one of my poly friends (one of the toxic ones) and I told him I didn’t want to go to school tomorrow. My heart was broken and I was tired, I just wanted to wallow. This friend told me that I should try to go to school tomorrow and to make sure that I ate. How can someone I knew for less than a year still treat me better than a boy that claimed to love me?
So I told Rose that I couldn’t do this, I needed space to heal my heart. Eventually I cut him off, because that was the only way I knew how to heal. He finished his school and went to the army while I continued on with my diploma.
2 years passed and he starts talking to me again, and suddenly this boy, who ruined the shit out of my life (hey, I’m not saying I’m innocent, but it really was a tough time) wanted us to get back together. After all that hurt that he put me through and let me alone to pick up all those pieces on my own.
The day he broke up with me and I remembered my scars, I promised myself that I would never, NEVER allow myself to go back there, where I was so hurt that I thought that by hurting myself, I make another person love me more.
He went on whatsapp and even changed his tagline to “I wondered how we lasted so long.”
Wow, that really made me angry. We lasted so long because I loved you and worshiped you while you embraced all of that, taking until I could give no more and you tossed me aside as though I was worthless.
So I told him no and eventually cut him off again. Over the years he wishes me greetings on public holidays, but I reply coldly, because in the recent years, I realise that those were never genuine things, they were words and greetings of pity. I would rather have none than get them for pity.
So if you actually read this entire post, thank you for reading through and I hope you didn’t cry.
I’m not here to air the dirt about my ex or my ex crushes and friends, I just hope that this will help people spot their own red flags (if there are any) and that they can get out of the relationship ASAP.
If someone doesn’t love or respect you, get out of there, there is no point in loving someone who cannot love you back, my dear. I know it’s hard to hear, but back then, I needed to hear that. I needed someone to slap me and tell me that there were so many things wrongs, that I should have seen everything and listen to everyone who told me that there was something wrong.
Nobody deserves to feel as though they are worthless and you never have to feel that way. I learnt that the hard way and it’s long toll has still hurt me even until this day.
I still feel that I’m just always a second option to people and that nobody would ever put me first. No one would fight for me when I needed them to.
But as someone who has gone through all that, let me tell you that you are worth it, and never let someone tell you you are not.
I gave him the power to hurt me with his careless words. He used my insecurities against me, I grew up having my mum tell me I was ‘fat’ although I was around 45kg and he would grab me by my stomach fat and tell me I was chubby. He knew I wanted to write and told me that “it’s okay that you’re not good in that, you are good in maths”, which I was not.
When you take away someone’s ability to hurt you with their words, they no longer can hurt you.
He then told me that I was stronger than he thought.
And yes, I am. After going through all that shit, I could survive the Hunger Games and win. (I’m joking.)
Here’s to all of you, I hope you find someone who knows your worth, someone who NEVER makes you feel like a second option or worthless. Someone who will love you, scars and brokenness and all.
Here to me too, that I will find someone who can love this monster and this broken that I have come to terms with.
Thank you for reading this extremely long and emotional post.